[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
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After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[Me as a zoo tour guide]
Me: On your left, we have the African Spotted Tall Bois
8 yo: Aren’t those giraf-
Me: AND ON THE RIGHT we have a Giant Leaf Raccoon
8: They’re pand-
Me: AND STRAIGHT AHEAD, you’ll see the beautiful Wild Barcodes.
8: Zeb-
Me: THIS IS A SILENT TOUR
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
that lip filler tho
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
I’m 32 years old and I’ve watched Frozen 26 times this week…
For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight…
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.