[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
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6-year-old: Why do I have to share a room?
Me: It could be worse. Harry Potter slept in a cupboard under the stairs.
6: Yeah. By himself.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
A news report says hackers stole $1 Billion dollars from banks around the world. And several pens.
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
All set.
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.