[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
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They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
i cannot say the word synonym without sounding drunk.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
My electric kettle got broken so I had to make tea using my acoustic kettle.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Son: Do you know what type of tea the British Army serves?
Me: No, what?
Son: Camo meal
*we tearfully embrace*
Wife: JFC
Me: My tarot cards say that you’re going to be in pain soon.
Him: Ha! My Magic 8 Ball said No.
*hurls Magic 8 Ball at him*
Him: Ouch!
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
In 8th grade I had to take care of an egg to teach me responsibility. That egg hatched, and I raised the chicken as my own. He was delicious
My god she’s good.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
WTF
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I’m not proud
How is it still this week?
Mom: why are your eyes dilated
Me: your eyes dilate up to 45% when you look at something you love
Mom: what were you looking at
Me: memes