@Try2StopME *washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
@Reverend_Scott [first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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@Try2StopME 
@TXRednation01 “Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
@JasonLastname A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
@heatdeath wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
@cepheusjackson ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
@RealPrincessKim A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
@david8hughes [in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
@RocketRankoon Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
@SteveMarriott Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
@STEEEZUSCHRIST My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me