[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Going into Monday like
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Well, that didn’t work.
billy joel: we didn’t start the fire
detective: I haven’t mentioned a fire
billy joel: shit
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
Son: dad there’s a spider in my room!
Me: he’s more afraid of you than you are of him
Son: can you get rid of him
Me: no because I’m like ten times more afraid of him than he is of you
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
[orders pizza]
Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?
Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.