Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
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“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
wait, do bisexuals experience sexual attraction twice a year or once every two years
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
My least favorite part of Top Gun: Maverick was when my girlfriend loudly said “are you crying?” and a bunch of people started looking at me