[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
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I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
Me: i need a copy of this key.
hardware store employee: it says do not duplicate.
me: yeah you don’t have to copy that part.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Dracula: *transforms into a bat*
Me: OMG flappy sky puppy come here there is a blanket and I’ve got the brushybrushy for you do you want the brushybrushy
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula:
Me:
Dracula: *tiny voice* yes
They did not miss in the small print
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”