[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
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It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My dogs bowl has DOG written on it so my kids don’t eat it
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
I always keep a baseball bat under my bed. You know, in case someone breaks in and throws a ball at me.
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
I’m about to risk it all
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
drew a comic about my origin story
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now