[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
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[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: I’m too scared to fly
Therapist: You’re more likely to die from a shark attack than a plane crash
Me: OMG SHARKS CAN FLY?
Note to the 82 year old widow who won the Powerball jackpot last night:
Sup, girl?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
Straight people are cancelled
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Nice try Hitler
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
date: where did u get that, i don’t see that on the menu
me: (biting into my corn on the cob) i bring my own corn on the cob
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.