[First date]
DATE: Tell me something unique about yourself.
ME: Well, I always sleep with one arm under my pillow.
DATE: Lots of people do that. Anything more interesting?
ME: It’s not my arm.
You Might Also Like
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Whatcha doing?! 😏🤣🐶
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
The devil.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park