[first date]
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?
Me: b-e-e.
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The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
This checks out
With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
“Alexa, make a clapping noise so the lights turn on”
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Realize this:
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?
Hell yeah 👍