First date:
*don’t let her know you’re a tyranosaurus, don’t let her know yo..*
Her: So, what do you do for a liv-
*bites her in half*
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Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
be careful
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Imagine being the roommate of someone who was abducted by aliens and having to live knowing aliens were completely uninterested in the opportunity to probe you
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.