*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
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Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
I’m 40 so binge-watching a series means falling asleep mid-episode and rewatching the same one over because I forgot what happened in the beginning.
Spider-cat: No One Home
The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
if I were the world, I would simply stop being on the verge of apocalypse
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
Message from the dog groomers
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.