[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
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People: “You look so unapproachable”
Me: “And yet,here you are”
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Yearly reminder: unless you’re over 60, you weren’t promised flying cars. You were promised an oppressive cyberpunk dystopia. Here you go.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.
mom: you’re 42 years old I’m not reading you a bedtime story every night
inventor of the audiobook: if you won’t, I’ll find somebody who will, Ma
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
JUDGE: I may send u to jail. But if u act less condescending, I’ll let u go free
ME [waving goodbye to my family] u mean condescendingLY
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.