[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
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texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
The human body is 98% water.
So I’m not fat,
Just well hydrated.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: No idea. I pretty much just zone out whenever I’m behind the wheel. Did anyone die?
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.
I should not have taken this before my big rap battle
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
I’ll be providing your mandatory security training today. “Stop clicking things!”