[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

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Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man


I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.


I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.


“I’m on my way!”

-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes


Me: She really needs to calm down.

Alcohol: You should tell her.


Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.


Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.

– spider moms, probably