[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
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My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
hmm conte-me mais
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
The second date went downhill fast when I showed up with a scrapbook of our first date.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”