Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
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Left at a local drug store…
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
Why is everyone getting married at me
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
the council will decide your fate
I put my fake Christmas tree up in record time
then compulsively fluff it for a month.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Me: Sensei, how will I know when I am ready?
Sensei: When you are seen no more than your selfies on IG, then you will be ninja.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
We all have our personal struggles.
Mine today was an argument with my son about why we can’t put a hot hog in the toaster, but then I was like, maybe we could put a hotdog in the toaster…
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.