[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
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Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Went to my uncle’s funeral today open bar pretty good food but my uncle was dead 3/5 stars
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
For 21 years i wasnt allowed to sit on the arm of my aunties couch, today my auntie gave me that couch. Here are the pictures she recieved
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”