[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
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I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service it’s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
Me: “Where are you headed?”
Daughter: “A sorority thing.”
Me: “Okay, have fun with the new friends I bought you.”
Daughter: “You’re savage.”
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
We decided to name our unborn child something that represents where it was conceived.
Only 7 more months until baby Uber is born!
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
MORPHEUS: choose the red pill or the blue pill
NEO: which one turns into the coolest dinosaur
do british flat earthers say the world is apartment?
Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming