[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
You Might Also Like
I admire people who make it easy to find the refrigerators cheese drawer when you visit their home.
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Your options are a pound of salty meat or 900g of sugar
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
[arrested in 1985]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [dials one of 37 numbers from memory] Hi, I have bad news
[arrested in 2018]
COP: you get 1 call
ME: [trying to remember ANY number] I think there’s a 7 in it
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me aside* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.