[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
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I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
repaired
[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
Amidst a decrease in airfare prices, WestJet has hiked the cost of checked bags and Flair has added a new credit card fee. Thankfully, Air Canada has stepped up and is offering an additional 50% off of your legroom!
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
GOD: A snake that is also a cat lol
ANGEL: What
GOD: Cat snake lmao
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Saw a video for vegan cauliflower icecream on fb and heard the four horsemen of the apocalypse thunder overhead.
Storm Tropical Storm
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
[Sherwood Forest]
LITTLE JOHN: Go through it one more time for me
ROBIN HOOD: Ok…we rob from the rich…
LITTLE JOHN: Right
ROBIN HOOD: …and we give to the poor
LITTLE JOHN: And then we rob them
ROBIN HOOD: What? No! Why would we do that?
LITTLE JOHN: Cause now they rich.