(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
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I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
You guys, this guy on Dateline says I shouldn’t make friends with people on the internet because they might not be who they say they are. Is this true?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I can’t wait for this whole ordeal to be over, so my favorite pizza place can go back to rubbing their bare hands and feet all over my pizza before delivering it to me, like the good Lord intended.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
It’s always cool to swallow your pride unless you’re a lion.
Lol
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
seems like a niche market
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic
Imagine meeting the person of your dreams and then finding out they use cutlery to eat a burger.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
I burn more calories begging, cajoling and pleading with my kids to get dressed for our hike and get out the door than I will on any actual hike
Perfect pizza run just now. Every light was green, every merge clear, cop chasing me got in an accident, I couldn’t believe my luck.