[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
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*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Columbus has to be the worst guy to go to the mat for. The guy took notes the whole time & all of them are like “they were friendly so I killed them” & “note: we should do slavery here” and everyone else’s notes are like “I am trapped on a boat with a murderer”
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless