[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
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Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious fiery car crashes.
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
WATSON: do you even have a proper education?
SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson
WATSON: but, like, beyond that
SHERLOCK: nah
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.