[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
You Might Also Like
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
[restaurant]
can I get 8 single slices of pepperoni pizza please?
-how bout just one whole pizza instead?
oh no I can’t eat a whole pizza
I just saw a reel where a momfluencer claims that if you just play with your toddler for 15 minutes a day, they won’t have tantrums, and I’m pretty sure this woman has never met a toddler in her life
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/
The glory of fall.
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
I just found a marshmallow Santa in my desk drawer, I’m guessing I shouldn’t eat it.
*wipes chocolate from mouth
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
Alexa, make me look good naked.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Tomorrow implies the existence of Frommorrow. And also Tomorcolumn. And Tomandrow! Man, these daiquiris are strong…
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.