[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
You Might Also Like
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
😂 amazing answer
My mom [on the phone]: Hi I can’t talk long
Narrator: But she can. She CAN talk long
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
At camp today, there were animals for show and tell. When I picked-up, the counselors announced in front of my kids that they did so well holding them that we should get some and I just want to know what I did to make the counselors hate me
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
Immediately de-escalating an international conflict by posting an angry looking selfie with the caption “Come on, guys.”
A woman at my gym tonight told me my kids look just like me because they inherited my “small face.” Can somebody help me out, because I just really need to know if I should be offended.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses