[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
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When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
kids in 2050 trying to study the 2019-2022 chapter of history for a test
I respect every moose for having two giant high-fives growing out of his head.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
“This is from the both of us”
– my parents giving me mental illness
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Not sure how coffee got its own table in the living room, but kudos.
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!