[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
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Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!
Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.
*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
I bought some IKEA furniture and paid extra for delivery and set-up.
Next day, they dumped the box and a dead body in my yard. And called the cops.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”