[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
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So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
So let me get this straight. A dude comes back to life after three days and no one cuts his head off?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
God: you’re a llama.
Llama: I look ridiculous.
God: why do you say that?
Llama: I look like a giraffe made love to a sheep.
God: that’s not true.
Llama: i’m a giraffe sheep : (
God: [under breath] more like a drama llama.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
“Ok, what chemical symbol should we give this Gold?”
*thief runs by, steals gold*
“Hey! You!”
Au, got it. Next element.
If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi