[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
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Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
im not paying that much money for ppl to watch me kiss someone im sorry u must be out of ur mind. $15 take it or leave it
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Lego better be trying to cure child cancer with how much their shit cost.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Email from my mom: What’s my email address?
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Breaking news:
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…