[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
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You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
*unzips babybell cheese*
yeah. that’s him.
*rezips babybell cheese*
H. P. Lovecraft implies the existence of H. P. Livecraft and H. P. Laughcraft
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Dude is taking me out of town for my birthday this weekend. He won’t tell me where we’re going but he has a shovel and 3 bags of lime in his truck so I’m thinking somewhere outside like maybe hiking.
GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
If you listen to a Miley Cyrus song backwards you can hear Satan refusing to have sex with her.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
Dentist: it’s really crowded in your mouth, we’ll have to make space
Me: *spitting jolly ranchers into cup* guess I’ll save these for later
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I’ve watched this over 100 times and I still can’t figure out how he did this
Doctor: “The CAT scan results are in and they have confirmed my suspicions.”
Me: “Okay, I’m ready.”
Doctor: “You’re not a cat.”
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.