[first date]
HER: I totally love Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name one of their albums
HER: Nevermind
ME Okay, forget about it then
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If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
2020 was the worst escape room I’ve ever done.
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
garbage man: hello little fella
raccoon: [slides a $5 bill] one garbage please
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
Me: I banged your Mom.
My Son: I know, Dad. I know.
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.