*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
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Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
Now I can’t wear my nude crystal dress this weekend.
Thanks, Rihanna.
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
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Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Just overheard the phrase, “pregnant with a baby,” and secretly wondered what the other options were
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
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Expectations vs. Reality
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
After a long day of weeding, I just sat down in the grass to drink some water. Suddenly I felt unnerving crawly sensations on my backside. Christ, I didn’t know “ants in your pants” was an actual thing!!! 🐜
I was just reading a list of 100 things you should do before you die.
I am surprised that “Yell for help” is not one of them…
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
A magician’s assistant wears two layers under her costume: a bra, cadabra
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
‘Always the bridesmaid, never the bride’ is good advice for any best man.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.