(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.
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waiter: and how would you like your steak cooked?
me: umm on a grill?
waiter: no how would you like it served?
me (embarrassed laugh): oh silly me. on a plate please
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
friend: the bathroom is upstairs
me(drunk): wtf? *pees pants*
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
therapist: so what’s troubling you?
me: my parents taught me to be so polite that now i have trouble taking up any emotional real estate
therapist: and how does that make you feel?
me: fine
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.