*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
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Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
We decided to have money instead of children.
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
dogs can find happiness so easily
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
My son can play any song by ear on the piano.
I can sort items for the recycling bin.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.