[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
You Might Also Like
The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
PRIEST: are you a catholic?
ME: I have four, but I wouldn’t say I’m addicted
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
No toddler in the world would ever pass a field sobriety test
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men