[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
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Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
Causes of childhood anxiety:
4% Bullying
9% Inability to puncture a Capri Sun pouch
87% Musical Chairs
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.