[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
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My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
My daughter had a friend who comes over that makes my other kids look less weird. I wish she was here more often.
I’m now starting to think CNN took the plane.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.
Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
I think one of the toughest parts about growing up is realizing that you don’t sweat blue if you drink blue Gatorade.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
I told my DAD to embrace his mistakes. he cried. then he hugged My brother & me.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
Inflatable mattresses are great if you like your bed to slowly eat you.
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect