[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
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[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
I don’t wanna party like it’s 1999, I want to pay my bills like it’s 1999