[first date]
Her: omg are you wearing a cape? Lol
Me: [texting mom] ok you were right about the cape
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Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Wife: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
This rocks
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
I like to keep my New Year’s goals simple and attainable so this year I have resolved to neither fly in a hydrogen-filled dirigible nor to become an ordained rabbi. I’m placing my chances of success at just north of 62.5%.
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
I don’t know what my husband is planning on doing for me for Mother’s Day but I hope it’s the laundry.