[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
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her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
My son came home and told me a classmate spoiled a huge part of Harry Potter for him, so now I have to meet a 2nd grader behind the bleachers at 3pm with my nunchucks.
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN
HUSBAND: You’re going to work early? I’m impressed.
ME: All the jelly doughnuts are gone by 9:00am.
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
Me: Now THIS is a housewarming party! Am I right or what? High five!
Firefighter:
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“Change is never easy…”
~McDonalds employees
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Dreams are so frustrating. It’s my brain, but instead of dreaming I’m having sex with a supermodel, I’m at the mall trying to exchange a shirt for a grape flavored one.