[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
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Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
AM I BEING GASLIT????
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
3 eggs may not feed my family, but I found 2 boxes of cake mix and Mama ’bout to turn water into wine.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up