[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
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Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
I’m a hiring manager with a team of nine. Two are called Tom. I recently interviewed a candidate for my team. He was almost perfect but I can’t hire him because he is also called Tom and two Tom’s are enough.
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
New tinder profile pic
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Paris Hilton is suddenly a DJ?
Well. Then I’m a dragon.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty