[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
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Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.
The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.
The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
Room with a view.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
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Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
My girlfriend told me she needed a hip replacement. So I found a vegan yoga instructor that let’s me do whatever I want.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”