*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
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Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
me: you there, boy! what day is it? what month?! out with it!
boy: why, sir, it’s the Wangth of Dongtober of course
me: [slapping time machine] by jove, we did it!
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Has anyone else noticed what beautiful eyelashes giraffes have, or am I just lonely?
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
Guys! I’ve learned the secret women use to find things. Women actually MOVE THINGS AROUND when looking for something on a cabinet shelf!
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
The only way I’m coming to your wedding is if YOU get ME a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
When you die, you walk down a tunnel of light and then that sentient paperclip from MS Word pops up and asks you what you want to do next.
The Art Institute has many world-famous masterpieces but more importantly it has this little freak
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Spotted in New Orleans.
I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
Husband: Did you eat the last of the Girl Scout cookies?
Me: (brushing off crumbs, swallowing hard) There was a break in.
I pray every night that I never become religious…
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!