[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
You Might Also Like
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 🙂
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
me: [seductively] you have the posture of a dried up spider
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.