[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
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*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
SON: Jake’s dad is so cool, he took him to Disney World!
ME: well, what if I did that?
SON: omg you’re the best![Next week at Disney World]
“Can’t believe we’re here!”
ME: Thank my son when we get home Jake, it was his idea
called in thicc to work this morning
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
fruit vendors are just vegan butchers.
[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Any party is an ugly sweater party if you’re ugly and you sweat a lot
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again