[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
You Might Also Like
Bruce Banner: You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry
Me: I don’t like you now
If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I’m charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
Welcome to parenthood. The expression “slept like a baby” doesn’t mean what you think it means.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Ate an entire pool noodle all by myself.
What is Iron Man without his suit?
Stark naked.
Anyone who has biological children can call themselves a body builder
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
me: sometimes I don’t do dishes for so long I’m completely out of silverware, so when I finally do them I have no reference fork and can’t remember where they go. Despite going in the same place for 5 years.
guy just trying to mug me: did you say “reference fork”?
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
The cashier just checked me out.
She- get lost
Me- *jumps in her wardrobe*
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
satan: not today, microsoft teams