[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
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My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
When people don’t drink coffee, it’s like ok but how do you solve the problem of being awake??
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
#growingpains
This is a little film called, “Trying to Describe Myself to My Lyft Driver So He Can Find Me”
Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
getting groceries
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
The only bucket list I have and can finish is at KFC.
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
me irl
4 out of 5 dentists agree: kill a lion.
Cannot stop laughing at this
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.