*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
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Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
What if all DJs decided at once to stop using the infamous air horn sound effect and started using the sound of an old man climbing stairs?
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
Could you imagine being the Secret Service agent that blocked a bullet for Donald Trump, 20 years later? You wouldn’t tell anyone.
me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
Husband: You know how we could keep costs down on a really cold day?
Me: Setting fire to the house?