[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
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Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.
Ok team, today we’re …..oh
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Well I guess it’s time to learn my kids’ names.
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
“OMGJK” -atheists