[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
You Might Also Like
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
HER: i’m leaving you
HIM: is it because we can’t have children or my obsession with The Princess Bride?
HER: both
HIM: [under breath] inconceivable
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
If you ever want your phone to ring just try to take a nap, it’s science
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
Career day:
Hi kids I’m Bills Dad and I work at the local morgue. Who wants to pet a dead body?”
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I’m speeding because I have to get there before I forget where I’m going.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”